In a move that shocked the sports and culinary worlds alike, fiery celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has been appointed head coach of the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team. The announcement came during a chaotic press conference in Los Angeles, where Ramsay—wearing a custom “Hell’s Kitchen”-inspired tracksuit—stormed onto the stage yelling, “This team is more raw than a sous-vide steak left in the sun! Time to turn these donkeys into bloody champions!”

U.S. Soccer Federation CEO JT Batson revealed they recruited Ramsay after seeing viral clips of him “yielding a spatula like a tactical clipboard” during charity soccer matches. “We don’t need nice—we need someone who’ll tell our players their crosses are as limp as week-old lettuce,” Batson said, as Ramsay demonstrated proper corner kick technique by booting a football into a trash can labeled “Premier League Rejects.”